Season of Beauty and Change

Fall has to be the prettiest of seasons...

Everywhere, the red, orange and yellows catch the eye.

Here in the deep South, it can't decide to be cool and stay cool,

or turn warm again.

It reminds me a bit of myself right now.

So happy for this time of year,

the holidays, the leaves, the trees, the joy.

But so many winds of change in my life right now...

Do I live in peace, or live in fear?

Do I live in joy or give way to sadness?

Seems a season of reflecting,

a season of bits of regret - does that come when one needs to think and does think too much?

A season of what to do next?

And how did I get here?

One of teenager, a preteen and a 1st grader,

and all the deep issues with each age - and boys and girl.

All at once.

And a mom that wonders how she was just the teenager...

and she's not ready to parent one...

or two.

A season to take it all in.

To open the blinds and just to look -

at the colors and the leaves and the trees and the blowing of the breeze.

One where I wonder what will blow in next?

Where will God lead, and what will open and what will close?

What will take shape, that I cannot begin to make out right now?

A season to draw close to Him who holds all of it in His hands.

To listen, to read, to hear, to question, to soak in, to saturate,

to stop the clenching of my fists -

to open my hands...

To all that He brings,

blowing in - like these leaves on this breeze.

Joy again...

Just when all is dark -  even when it has gone on dark for a while,

and you are waiting for the season to pass,

light slowly creeps back in.

Barely detectable at first.

But then you begin to feel hope and happiness again. 

Your heart begins to warm. 

Then it just bursts out, and you look up...you notice.

Because your heart feels so much better when the dark season is over.

Everything feels sweet again.

Joy seeps in, laughter is real, contentment finds its way back, food tastes good...

And though you've passed through the valley,

you wonder if you will ever be the same as before you entered...

You want to be the same,

 but would that defeat going through the valley in the first place?

What do you leave and what does God want you to use?

How to be a good steward of a dark season?  Of sorrow?

I suppose the wrestling of questions like these is just part of coming out of the valley...

Praise God,

 joy does come in the morning,

and for the hilltops,

and the plateaus....

Aawww, sweet plateaus.

I'd like to camp here for a while...

The Wind and the Waves (And Light)

Is it the way the sun is setting?  Casting that long orange light on all things, it's goodbye slant?  Is it that another day is done?

 

Is it the ups and downs in a marriage?  The way days or months of closeness come and is wonderful, and then days of feeling miles a part come, And I am left feeling the emptiness...

Or the way these children come with very distinct personalities - often very different from my own.  And I try to mother them the best I know, and I can still count all the ways I fail.

Or the close friends that I know are hurting, this very day....

Perhaps because I got a new phone today, and when I put in my memory card - with all 1500 plus cherished pictures on it, I couldn't get the new phone to pull them up - no matter what I did.  So, I thought if I formatted the card - it would work.  Instead, I erased every beloved picture... For this alone, I feel so weepy.

Coming back from an errand a bit ago, looking around, sites outside my window, all people busy living life.  And somehow the very sights seem lonely.  The familiar streets, cast in that long dim light, shadows flashing the light on and off. 

And I think about what it would be like to be a person without anyone to love.  Or to love you back.  And my throat aches. My eyes brim.

My thoughts go from one area of ache to another.  One challenge to another. 

And then I wonder what is wrong with me?  I'm not an evening person, this I know...

I am a woman... That has to account for some of it, I tell myself.

And I think of Revelation - where it tells of what it will be like in heaven - no sadness or tears, pain or grief.  And I think perhaps there will always be this ache, in this place.  To cause us to long for our true home.  One where we will be made whole.  Where life will be as it should.

And I think of Peter on the boat - walking along, trying to reach Jesus.  And he suddenly notices the waves, and he begins to sink.  Oh how I sink at times.

And He draws me to look to Him.  To take my eyes and my thoughts off of the waves, the lights and the shadows - the fears and the struggles that fill each day.  Sometimes that's all we can do - look for His face.  Look to His promises.  Cling to His Word.  Feed and be filled - on the only thing that truly satisfies.

Facets of Me

Many dimensions.  Complex yet simple.

Changing and yet the same.

Dark and and thoughtful, light and thankful.

Bright and cheerful.

A worrier yet carefree.

Always more beneath the surface.

Neat, compartmentalized and messy.

Vulnerable and weak, yet strong and independent.

All together and falling a part.

Happy and sad, smiles and tears.

Soul and spirit

And every single day,

I must take what I am to God.

He who formed me and knows me,

The parts I like and the parts I hate.

I must give Him all,

And lay all down at His feet.

Trust Him  - open my hands to what He gives.

How I want all of me to give Him glory.

Hello Old Friend(s)

You know how it is when there is that friend you've been meaning to call.  You know you should, but you are just so busy.  And so much time has passed, you don't know where you would even begin.  So much to catch up on, you don't know if you have it in you...
That's how it's been with my blog - for a while.

Before the weather began to turn cooler, me and Joshie visited the park - though now (when it is cooler) would be a much better time to do so!

I just decorated the house for fall, my most favorite season - that leads into my other favorite season.  Its been too hot to go into the attic to even get the decorations - and I am always afraid of something jumping out at me - not that anything I can imagine could survive in an attic during a Louisiana summer.

Made a friendly welcome spot by the front door.  Put on the pretty fall wreath, and added a swag of fall leaves around the front door.

Decorated the table across from the front door.  Just makes me feel cheery looking at it.  Decorated the mantle also.

I have been busying studying, all the time it seems.  I am taking what I knew would be one of the hardest classes to date.  And it is.  Anatomy and Physiology.  I have had to learn every bone, every kind of skin and tissue.  The body cavities and organs.  The planes of a body and it's directional terms.  The joints, and how they all move.  And that's only so far.  It is overwhelming.  I have been doing well, grade-wise.  But those grades don't come easy.  We have 50 question tests every Wednesday evening.  (THIS evening).  Feel like I never study enough, and yet I do all the time.  And that's just one of my classes.....

One day after I dropped Joshua off at kindergarten, I went to a McD's near the school, and just sat in the play place.  It was early in the morning, and no kids were there.  I sat there for around 2 hours, drinking my coffee and learning the axial system.  If I am at home, I usually find something else that needs to be done, or am distracted by the laptop!

I study in the carpool line.  Note cards that take me a whole day just to make...  Wherever I have a few minutes to sit, I study.

One of the main (real) reasons I haven't blogged much (at all) is that I have been going through a very emotional time lately.  Two people very close to me have been going through extremely painful experiences.  They just so happen to be experiences I fear - and have always feared.  I guess going through it with them has heightened my already there fears, and have made me.... a nut.  

There is this logical side of me - that knows better.  That knows my fears are irrational.  That knows better to ultimately trust in the outward things, or latch on to false idols.  I know better than this.  I know that God has me in His hand - and that all things are under His control.  I know I should be feeding on His truth, instead of allowing the enemy to have a field day with my mind, heart and emotions.

But there is this other side of me, that is weak.  That easily gives into fear.  That doesn't prioritize my time, that doesn't spend enough time in God's Word.  That feeds my fears.  I don't like that side.  I want to be free, and every time I think I am, it rears it's ugly head again.  I need to get at the root of my fears, and let God deal with them, teach me, show me the truth.  And I feel that I give it to Him, beg Him to take them, and there they come again. 

Life is hard.  It does get ugly and it is often painful.  But I know that my hope has to be on Him.  In Him. 

And He loves me.  And I can trust Him with what I have given Him. When life fails us, He never will.  He has truly blessed me - and I am so grateful.

I have to keep reminding myself of that.

 

Hubbies' Coast Guard Anniversary

Today my hubby has been in the Coast Guard for 20 years.  20 long years that seem to have passed in the blink of an eye.

I met him the summer before he was going to boot camp.  So from the moment we fell in love, this Aug 14th date was hanging over our heads.  Knowing that he would be gone, and not knowing when we would see each other again. 

I remember the day he left, 20 years ago.  His father drove us into New Orleans, where he was to depart.  I don't so much recall the drive there, though I am sure I must have been looking at him, trying to memorize every detail.  I don't even remember if he sat in the back seat with me, or the front seat with his father.  What I recall vividly was him getting out of the car.  Us hugging goodbye.  His father saying goodbye.  Then watching him walk away with an army green bag over his shoulder.  I remember watching him till I couldn't see him anymore - as he walked and we drove.  I thought my heart would break, knowing he would be gone for 8 weeks.  I remember trying so hard to keep in the tears - not being so comfortable with his father then.  I know that after he brought me home, I let loose and don't think I stopped for days.

Poor Clay, I wrote him so many crying, pathetic letters while he was gone.  If I could consult now with a young woman in the same situation, I would tell her to "uplift" her man, not cry to him! 

After 8 weeks were up, he came home.  He looked like someone different than I had known.  He seemed so thin.  Head shaved.  So tall in his uniform.  His whole family swarmed around him, missed him.  I felt so shy.  It wasn't until we had a few moments alone, that I realized it was still him - who I knew.

A lot has happened in 20 years.  Stationed on 2 ships, a search and rescue station in Detroit, Michigan, a station in Gulfport, Mississippi, several back-to-back jobs in New Orleans, and of course somewhere in there was getting married, having 3 children, and all that comes with life.

The road in the Coast Guard has not been easy or always nice, there were many more times of him being away - from me and from our children.  We have made it this far - and I am so proud of all he has done!

Happy 20th Honey :)

The Inner Me

There is something about me that others may not know.  The natural me  is easily prone to loneliness and sadness.  In various moments of everyday life, the loneliest feeling will wash over me.  It is hard to describe the feeling, as loneliness doesn't entirely sum it up.  It is the saddest feeling though. 

It can wash down on me at more obvious times.  Such as yesterday.  We drove over an hour to a nephew's birthday party, where my brother now lives.  He now lives near the town my husband grew up in.  Miles from the house he lived in from birth.  A house where I grew to know his family.  That house belongs to strangers now, as his parents passed on several years ago.  That front porch I used to sit at with his mother, is now somebody else's.  Another family picks from the bay leaf and pecan trees;  looks out the sliding glass doors to the backyard.  And the sadness begins to drift down.  We pass the land where his father once owned a restaurant.  And though it was all before I knew him, I have heard enough and saw all the pictures, and can just see it there...  where it used to be.

And my thoughts take me back. And the feeling envelopes me.

On the drive, we have to pass through my hometown, on the way to my hubby's old hometown.  It is a journey - one of memories and miles.  Pass the street I grew up on, my highschool, the hospital I was born in.  The donut shop my aunt used to visit nearly every evening - and though she's gone now, it seems that if I stopped in, she would be there in a stool - with her coffee.  The hotel me and my hubby stayed at when he came out of bootcamp, so young and awed then.  Where a mall stood until Hurricane Katrina, one where I used to visit Santa's reindeer every year - with my Grandma - both gone for years now.  The hospital my mother in law died in.

These are times I can expect that feeling.  But there are less obvious times too.  Like walking down a street where not a soul is stirring.  Birds soaring over my head.  The way the sun sets and slants on everything it touches.  While simply driving in my car - looking around at the busy-ness around me.  Feeling like nothing in the center of it all.  The bright blue cloudless sky.

At these times, when the tears brim - I simply do not know why it comes, but it does.  I realize that I am separate from every other human being.  And it always occurs to me that this life ultimately boils down to me and God; my relationship with Him.  I think back to the 28 yrs I did not know Him, and I feel tears of gratefullness - that He picked me like a flower.  That He gave me a hope and a future I never had before.  A reason and purpose.  Maybe that feeling is the memory of what I felt a part from Him.   

"Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro:  He bustles about, but only in vain; he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it.  But now, Lord, what do I look for?  My hope is in you."
 Psalm 39:6-7

At times, life is so hard.  I cannot imagine not having Him to go to with my tears, prayers, questions, and pain.  Knowing God is there - He sees and hears and knows all.  He is really there. 

"When I am afraid, I will trust in You."
Psalm 56:3

He is my comforter.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4


 When troubles surround, and fears press in, what do I look for?  I fervently look to Him.  I praise God that He is there.

The Morning Sun

Have I ever mentioned how much I love morning time?  And how much do not like evening time?  In particular the morning sun and evening sun.  Yes, I know, it's the same sun - but it looks so different.

I must start at the beginning - to help you understand why it is this way for me.  When I was a little girl, I had a big retangular window that took up one wall in my room.  It faced the western sky.  My parents used to have us on a ridiculously early bedtime, and we also lived on the corner of the block.  Which meant there was a little side street right next to my bedroom window.  Where all the kids would play - till dark.  With me, laying in bed - with the evening sun still streaked across my walls - you know, that orangy sun.  Me, listening to kids playing - trying to fall asleep - with orange evening sun in my room, and the sounds of kids playing filling my ears.

Yes, I know.  It was so sad.

And still to this day - it is with me.  I do not like that evening sun.  (I should also point out this was for my entire childhood)  Now - I must say, I have gotten better in this area.  It used to be much worse.  When I was first married, my husband was on a ship and gone for days.  And there I sat in our apartment, missing him.  We had a loft apartment, with 2 french doors that led to a balcony.  And above those doors - were 2 giant long windows that stretched high (you know, the kind you wonder, "How do they ever clean those?".  And there was a stair case, leading up to the loft with a big white wall behind it.  And every evening, that big orange sun would streak it's light and long shadows across my walls - in particular by the staircase - on that big white wall.  It would invoke the saddest of feelings in me.  Funny such a thing should always stay with me.

I also remember when I was a child - if I ever got to stay home from school, or on weekends, I remember thinking the whole world looked different in the morning.  All sparkling and new.  Just alive!  Birds singing, people beginning their day, etc.  Just loved it.  Still do.  The shadows are also so different.

Everything looks like it's opening up.

Like the sun is rising from its slumber....

And bursting forth...

Reaching out with the promise of a new day.

Psalm 65:5-8
You answer us with awesome deeds of righteousness,
O God our Savior,
the hope of all the ends of the earth
and of the farthest seas,
who formed the mountains by your power,
having armed yourself with strength,
who stilled the roaring of the seas,
the roaring of their waves,
and the turmoil of the nations.

Those living far away fear your wonders;
where morning dawns and evening fades
you call forth songs of joy.

A Look Into My Week

A peek into my life:

I am trudging along with school.  Day after day, minute by minute.  If I am not studying, I feel like I should be.  But I truly don't want to be always studying.  This week, my Algebra professor introduced a whole new realm of Algebra.  One that left me with my head in my hands - wondering if I was learning an entire new language.  One I would never understand, it seems.  I have made a few friends in the class -ones I have been with since my first Algebra class - 3 semesters back.  We study together before class and help one another where one lacks - so that is a help.  We always leave class shaking our heads - thinking this week will surely do us in, and then we each go home, practice and practice and practice.  And somehow, have so far managed to make straight A's.  This might be the end of that streak for me! (Ha..)

Biology...  What can I say?  I'll quote the teacher.  "Read the first 3 chapters - I'll inform you when the test will be...."  Okay.  In the first 3 chapters, there is more information than my brain can absorb.  I might be fine if it were a chapter at a time (test wise), but it feels like I could read 24/7 and still not get or pick up everything there is.  I am slightly terrified of the coming test - and no, he still hasn't notified us of when that might be.

Biology Lab - is interesting.  We take lots of notes, do homework, and do experiments with a lab group.  We kinda bumble through our experiments a lot like I did in highschool!  Kinda fun.  Wait till I have to dissect a rat.  I may surely be changing my tune.  Maybe I should have picked a guy for my lab partner after all.....  I don't see me or my female partner handling that very well.

Social Ethics...  Don't even get me started.  We debate hot topics in society.  I do not like to debate.  And by the judge of this class - it gives you a taste of what is out there in the world.  Everyone from the meek and sweet, to the cruel and ignorant.  Sorry, but if you could participate in our discussions - you would agree.

My anniversary...  My hubby and I woke up that morning - thinking we would surely do something that evening to celebrate.  At least see each other.  Nope.  Didn't work out that way.  Someone went AWOL at his work, and he and another guy had to drive out of state to return that person.  That person couldn't be.... released, on my anniversary - so, my hubby had to stay in a hotel until this person could be.  Let me just paint the picture of me when my hubby told me that he would have to stay the night there:  Remember when you were a little girl (or a teenager), and you wanted something SO badly?  Like a friend to sleep over, or a pool, or a new shirt from the Limited, or to go on a date?  Remember when you were denied - unfairly?  Remember how you (or was that just me?) wanted to jump up and down screaming, with your fists balled up, or pull your hair out?  (Really ladies, I was not a brat - but you know what I mean right?)  When you are just so mad and so sad, that you want to cry - even if it's in front of your 3 kids?

That was me.

Now, my mother is supposed to come over to babysit 2 weekends from now.  I will believe it (that we will actually be celebrating this 19th anniversary) when my mother is in my house, and me and hubby are in the car on our way somewhere special.  And like a pouty little girl, I can't help but think, "It's over, and we missed it". 

Sorry ladies, but this is my life....

And still, I know - and must say, I am truly blessed - even in the day to day living - when a kid has the stomach flu, and I have a cold, and my studies overwhelm me, and my teenager seems to be an alien to me, and my husband is called away on our most important day of the year, and I am out of creamer for my coffee, and I don't seem to have time to do anything I want.....

deep breath.....  

I know, I am here, I am alive, I am loved, I am safe, I am well fed, I am truly blessed.



And how could I forget for a minute?  THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS WON THE SUPERBOWL!!!!!
How blessed this city is because of it!

Multitude Mondays

I have been very emotional lately.  Part of it is all that comes with being a woman - hormones and all.  Part of it is seeing some things in a different light.  Some is being broken over things in this world, and things God is showing me.  Part is looking at things in me I want to die - and looking for places I want God to breathe in new life, and new hope.  What things am I doing that are meaningless, or that do not bring life to others?  What people have I stopped sharing my faith with because the enemy has made me feel it is hopeless? 

A million other thoughts running through my mind lately.  I just want this year to be different.  And I struggle to see how.  I see past patterns and past failures and it's hard to think I will or others will ever change.  

But there's the thing - I KNOW I can't change, and I KNOW that no one else will either - without God.  Only He can do it.  And that just takes my breath away.  It brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes.

For this year - and for all the years I have left - I so desperately want Him to give me a passion and a heart for those around me who do not know the Hope we have in Him - and Him alone.

I continue to count blessings - as I seek Him

190  winter

191  the sky above me - be it blue skies, or a starry night

192  the morning grass - covered in ice crystals - white and still

193  frozen puddles that line the streets

194  books that change me, that make me want more of God - that make me want to seek Him and find       Him - that make me want to be in His Word- to be more like Him

195  fininishing a book with sobs - having been on a most delightful, emotional, and challenging journey

196  starting a new book - a new journey

197  coming in from the cold - feeling the rush of warmth around me

198  a warm mug in my hands

199  scarves :)

200  the sun sparkling off the leaves of the trees

201  curling up under covers

Happy New Year!

Yesterday, I picked out a new calendar for 2010.

It must be something pretty - something I would want

hanging in my kitchen for a whole year!

Last night I neatly copied all the year's birthdays into the new

calendar - using the old one.

As I went through the months of 2009, I looked at all I had written.

Thought of all we had done.

Remembering with smiles many of those moments.

As I was writing out the birthdays and anniversaries in the new calendar,

I began to see just how many "new" changes will be coming our way.

Just to name a few:

Jacob will enter highschool

Jalyn will enter jr. high

And as strange as those first two are to me,

Joshua will enter the first grade.

I think that one is the saddest by far.

Not to have a little one home with me-

okay, let's not be sad Kristy - we won't go there -

not yet anyway!

My husband will most probably retire after 20 yrs in the military -

and begin a new career.

My classes will get harder and harder.

I will have a 15 yr old, an 11 yr old and a 5 yr old -

oh the range of those ages - and all that comes with them!

Me and my hubby will have been together as a couple for 20 yrs!

Wow!  That is amazing right there!

Yes, it can be overwhelming to look ahead a whole year -

knowing just a bit of what is to come.

All the changes seem a bit scary to me now.

But I have to remember, God gives us His grace -

to handle whatever it is He allows - day by day.

 Not a year ahead of time.

He will be with us - daily - no matter what,

He will see us through.

I like what it says here - on my new calendar.

I hope each one of you have a very blessed New Year....

Come - All Who Are Thirsty - He Says

I am out of school,

and so far I have gotten sick (a cold),

Lost a filling (a big one) - eating healthy :)

(Blueberry Morning Cereal).

The weather has been utterly miserable.

No sun, just gray skies and lots of rain.

I have forgotten to set my alarm,

woken a child up too late to catch the bus

(thankfully Daddy was still home to bring him).

I have been unorganized and unmotivated.

I have fumbled many moments of my days.

I have wasted many moments,

preferring my mind to be mush over being productive.

I have chosen the lesser over the better.

And I wonder why?

I have discovered hard things I wish weren't so.

I have struggled in prayer over several of them

and for several others.

I have faith that God can do BIG things

even when it may look otherwise.

I know I must look to Him,

and not at circumstances.

I have shopped,

and stressed over shopping,

the many to buy for.

And I have wondered if we have missed it all.

I often think if I could go back

and do it all again.

Life.  Motherhood. 

And fail by thinking things are too set to change now.

And He keeps reminding me of Isaiah 55

"Come, all you are thirsty, come to the waters;
and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
hear me that your soul may live."

Life is hard.
But God is Big.
And you know what?

The sun is coming out now....

So Little Time

I feel like I always have a never ending "to-do" list. 

That I can never catch up.

And part of me thinks, "Oh, don't we all?"  But I really do remember when I didn't.  Oh, there were things I wanted to do, or things I felt needed to be cleaned or straightened or put away.

But not like this.  This is different.

Yes, now like then, there is always something to do in the house.  Laundry to be folded, dishes to be done, floors to be swept, pots to be cleaned and put away, dishwasher to be unloaded, dogs to be fed, grass to be cut, porch to be swept, dusting to be done, toys to be picked up, beds to be made.

Now, there are also phone calls that need to be made, thank you's to be given - that are all so late.  Late, like you wonder what people think of you - and that's not really you at all.  Emails that need writing.  Cards that should be sent.

There are church newsletters to be worked on,  Algebra to be practiced, English papers to be written, much research  to be done for research paper, psychology chapters to be read and tests to be taken, discussion boards to be read and posted on.

Puppy to be taken out, so many times a day I lose count.  Children to be played with and read to and talked to - that gets put off for all the other needs.

God - talked to in bursts throughout my day.  Missing long times with Him, pouring out my heart to Him in my journal - lately, I find no time to journal.  Bible study to finish before tomorrow mornings class.  Time with Him....  Put off till when...

I remember long, lazy days of being a child.  Days when it seemed no one existed in my neighborhood but us.  Days of  "Mother May I?" and mud pies.  Of playing train on the kitchen chairs that my mother would line up in the hallway as she mopped.  Of blankets tucked into drawers and doors, and anything that would hold them - so we could play house. 

Those seemed like long endless days.

I don't remember the last time I had one of those.  With nothing that needed to be done.  Nothing pressing on me. 

Is it just school?  I guess the answer would have to be yes.  When I think back to before I started college, I think I had days just like that.  Leisurely strolls in the mall, Toys R Us with the kids, the park, the beach, lunch with friends, and playdates.  Reading books all day - books I wanted to read.

Whatever it was I wanted to do.

It was nice.

I pray that I find a way to do all of this.  To do it well.  To be able to savor life, not speed through it, frazzled.  I wonder if it will ever change?  Is this life from here on out?


Lord, help me not to race through life, I pray that I take the time to be still - to savor You and know that You alone are God.  That I not miss all that You have for me - my husband and my children, my family and my friends.  I pray that I would learn how to better manage my time, how to prioritize, how to do the things I don't even want to do, but need to do (like research papers).  Help me to look to You, instead of drowning in circumstances and things to do.

An Evening in the Grass

When sitting outside,
pulling long strands of grass,
the skinny ones that pull right out,
it is easy to think back to being a child.
Just sitting in the grass, doing the same thing, so many years ago.
On many lazy days.

Only I am no longer a child.
And there are less and less lazy days.

Now he is mine.
Youngest of three.

This is now home

And this is now me