The Last Summer

I do hope it is not, but for now, it does feel like my last summer...

I feel like the Israelites, when God gave them the land. And they sent a crew to spy the land, to see what it was like. And they saw giants and fortified cities and melted in fear. All except Joshua and Caleb. They knew the land was theirs, and if God gave it, He would see them through. Oh how I want to be a Joshua and a Caleb...

The sun is just peeking out, the house, still dark - everyone sleeping. But me. I wake, and think I shall finally sort out the clutter in my head. Face my thoughts instead of trying to distract myself from them. And so I sit, at my favorite kitchen table spot, with a cup of hot raspberry tea, and pray all stays asleep for a while.

Last fall, I decided to try to get into a physical therapy assistant program here in New Orleans. In order to even apply, I had to take chemistry and physics this spring...at the same time. All I want to say, is I am happy they are over, never to take those two again. (grin)   Plus, I had to volunteer as many hours as I could at 2 different physical therapy settings (the more you had, the better your chances). The PTA Program is the only one in the New Orleans area.

The day of the group interview, where everyone who jumped through all the same hoops as I, gathered together to hear that 114 of us had applied. 25 would be accepted. There were several people with degrees already, most worked in the physical therapy setting and had 100s of hours. As I left there, I texted my husband and told him only a miracle could get me in.

And I prayed, as I have all through chemistry and physics, and volunteer hours, "Lord, I have no back up plan, this is it...please."

On Joshua's 7th birthday, a couple weeks ago, I sat on the beach as the kids searched for hermit crabs. Hubby texts me that a big brown envelope came from school... Maybe they are sending all my stuff back, I tell him. I ask him to open it and read it aloud as he reads it. "We are pleased to inform you, you have been accepted..."

So exciting!

And so why am I now here, trying to rangle in all my thoughts and fears? Fears I know. They come easy to me. Especially the ones about me, not measuring up, in countless ways. Aren't I just the mom, with 3 kids? The one who loves to be home, take care of my house, and cook the meals? Aren't I still the kid who tries to do her best? And if only 25, then why me? How did I get the grades I did? How did I get here? Can I even do this?

So this August, I will enter the PTA Program. 5 days a week, from the hours of 8-6, for a solid year, I will be gone. Away from here, my cozy house and 3 kids, husband and 2 dogs.

In Gods providence, my hubby retires from a 22 year military career at the same time. And so, he will be the one to cook and clean and bring little one to school and pick him up and pack his lunches. And my heart breaks just thinking of it all.

 And yet I know, this is of God, and I must do it. He has shown me the land, I know it looks scary...others are younger, single, no kids, smarter, lots more experience... I can see it does look scary, and while all that may be true, He has brought me here. I can choose to believe Him, to enter in trusting that if He has called me to this, He will get me and my family, through.

I can enter in belief.

The Changing Seasons of Life

Oh the seasons of life.

Some are such happy ones.

Some, you had no idea how sweet they were until you look back.

Some you are happy they are over, never to return.

And some, they are... the ones you just have to get through -

 Not bad, just not what you want.

Life the past few months have been a rush. 

A blur of busy activity, rushing from one event to another.

Like these pink lovelies.

For weeks we noticed the buds as we rushed by, in and out of the house.

And finally, blooms.  Lots and lots of them.

I do so enjoy them while they are here.

Filling vases here and there.

And they are already gone... until next Spring...

And this busy season of life? It too will pass.

This time of school and shuffling, and forgetting what needs to be done,

of rushing this one up and to school, and this one too, and dishes and cooking,

and grocery shopping and laundry. Of college and studying and homework and tests.

Of little ones with fever and sickness, of doctor appointments,

and of me - getting wisdom teeth pulled, at my age.

Of not having time for even an overdue phone call or sharing of hearts over coffee.

This season too shall pass.

And one day, a new will come.

It will spring up possibly without notice.

Like this little tree, growing in a shady corner of the backyard.

Some seasons have been just how I wanted them. 

All in order and under my control...

Time to linger, time for friendships, time for a spic and span house,

and planned out cooked meals.

Time when it felt easy to encounter God.

To see and hear from Him.

To be in a wonderful bible study with dear friends.  Curled up on couches.

For long quiet times while little ones slept or napped or played nearby.

But what to make of this blurring time?

 It doesn't feel nice and orderly or under any control.

And then I wonder why think it should?

I know that at anytime, I can look up...

In between the rushing of life events, all the need-to-do's,

He is there...  A prayer away. 

And only He will give me the strength to endure - all the seasons of life.

New Directions

Now that I have switched majors,

I have had to switch schools.

Technically it's the same school, but a different campus.

I still have to drive to New Orleans, but in a different area

and to a campus I have never been to before.

One where I know no one. 

No friends on this journey with me.

No one to explore this big campus with...

Or to help me as I am nearly freaking out over not knowing

what on earth I am doing in Chemistry and Physics...

I thought I'd be studying science - not math like I've never seen before.

Math with Scientific Notation to the 1000th degree hard,

and vectors and graphing and compasses, oh my!

And yet, even in this, I find peace and beauty.

This big and strange new campus is right across the street from

City Park in New Orleans.

I purposely park farther from my classes, just so I can face this park.

 Magnificent old Oak Trees, lovely enough to calm this fearful student.

I park here under this tree.

Only in New Orleans, do you find Mardi Gras beads hanging like fruit in a tree!

And even on a wire...

And so in between one hard class and the other,

I make my car a sanctuary.

I eat, I read, I soak in the words and the view and pray for strength to do this...

I gather strength from He who is with me at all times.

Season of Beauty and Change

Fall has to be the prettiest of seasons...

Everywhere, the red, orange and yellows catch the eye.

Here in the deep South, it can't decide to be cool and stay cool,

or turn warm again.

It reminds me a bit of myself right now.

So happy for this time of year,

the holidays, the leaves, the trees, the joy.

But so many winds of change in my life right now...

Do I live in peace, or live in fear?

Do I live in joy or give way to sadness?

Seems a season of reflecting,

a season of bits of regret - does that come when one needs to think and does think too much?

A season of what to do next?

And how did I get here?

One of teenager, a preteen and a 1st grader,

and all the deep issues with each age - and boys and girl.

All at once.

And a mom that wonders how she was just the teenager...

and she's not ready to parent one...

or two.

A season to take it all in.

To open the blinds and just to look -

at the colors and the leaves and the trees and the blowing of the breeze.

One where I wonder what will blow in next?

Where will God lead, and what will open and what will close?

What will take shape, that I cannot begin to make out right now?

A season to draw close to Him who holds all of it in His hands.

To listen, to read, to hear, to question, to soak in, to saturate,

to stop the clenching of my fists -

to open my hands...

To all that He brings,

blowing in - like these leaves on this breeze.

How Differerent Would We Live If We Kept Eternity In Our View....?

Today I found a gray/white/silver hair.  It was hard to tell as I just promptly pulled it out...

And instantly, I felt that feeling that thousands have felt before... - how did I get to this age?  So quickly?  I still feel so young!

And with those feelings, came the once again washing realization that this is life.  This is living - right now...  And it is brief.

I have been sad for days, over different things.  Emotions taking over all sense...  With the choice to end one path, and many paths laid out before me...  I feel like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz.  I want someone to point me in the right direction - I fear that on my own, I may just spin around and point... and take the wrong way.

And with those feelings come others.  "Who am I now?",  "What is my role?"  , "What to work for now?" 

And suddenly, with the sparkle of a silver that shouldn't yet be there - I was slapped out of my downward spiral.  (Thankfully, because it was so not fun!)

Again I am reminded of the breath I am breathing.  Those I love around me.  My feet firmly on this ground.  Beauty for the seeing.  It's all here - right now.  And if I would stop wallowing long enough, and for good, I could give this all to God.  I could stop the spinning, dry up the tears, place all of this in His hands, and live each day how I know to live.  The rest will work out.  With or without me knowing quite how. 

And meanwhile, there is eternity in view!  How will I love Him?  How will I trust Him?  How will I show His love to others?  Will I live for Him, or will He be in the background of my life?  Will I believe His truth or all that the world says is true?  Will I work to slap the rest of us out of the belief that today is not forever?  That we need God in our hearts and in our lives... that He is the silver lining in this life?

Oh that I would not be so earthly minded

 And that I would not miss the here and now

 The wonder that is this life.

Oh that I would give all things to God,

to trust Him,

to open my hands to what He has.

To not waste these moments of this brief life.

Joy again...

Just when all is dark -  even when it has gone on dark for a while,

and you are waiting for the season to pass,

light slowly creeps back in.

Barely detectable at first.

But then you begin to feel hope and happiness again. 

Your heart begins to warm. 

Then it just bursts out, and you look up...you notice.

Because your heart feels so much better when the dark season is over.

Everything feels sweet again.

Joy seeps in, laughter is real, contentment finds its way back, food tastes good...

And though you've passed through the valley,

you wonder if you will ever be the same as before you entered...

You want to be the same,

 but would that defeat going through the valley in the first place?

What do you leave and what does God want you to use?

How to be a good steward of a dark season?  Of sorrow?

I suppose the wrestling of questions like these is just part of coming out of the valley...

Praise God,

 joy does come in the morning,

and for the hilltops,

and the plateaus....

Aawww, sweet plateaus.

I'd like to camp here for a while...

A Season for Weeping

I have always loved Weeping Willows...

Graceful and sad at the same time.

Long, weeping branches.

Tossed by the breeze.



Minus the gracefulness, they remind me of me right now...

Weeping and swaying, but standing (just barely).



There are very few times in a person's life (thank God),

when one's "usual" comforts fail.

When a storm comes so suddenly, so painfully....

One where every breath is thought out and deliberate...it hurts...

Such a season shows what you once thought were problems, weren't really problems at all.

I am in such a season...

Where I am standing like the mighty willow,

where I am planted...  because I must.

But I am so fragile and blowing by life's events.

None of my usual "loves" offer any comfort...

No book, no bath, no shopping trip, no food...

No computer, no facebook, no phone calls, no TV...

I am even near refusing comfort from God...

I am not angry with Him, but I am in such a state that comfort is hard to find.

Or should I say, receive.

When one wants only one thing,

and this thing I can not have...

When He has other plans for me

I find it so hard to open my hands and let Him have His way.

Such a season shows that all can be stripped away,

every earthly possession,

except those we love.

It boils down everything very quickly -

to either meaningless or meaningful.

There's no thinking about it or figuring it out -

it immediately becomes clear.

And I want nothing but the meaningful...

The touch and love of my sweet hubby.

The presence of my children.

The tears and prayers of the closest of friends.

As painful as this is right now,

I have seen and tasted that God is Good.

And though I must endure this season,

I know, He is still Good.