Simplicity

There is much to be said for simplicity... For living a simple life...

I often think of a farmer, let's call him John. John may have grown up a farmers son, and now he is himself. He rises early, while his family sleeps. He reads his worn bible as he has a cup of coffee. He works hard all day, pondering what he's read and praying for his family and others. He enjoys his children, and loves his wife. He may read the paper now and then, and doesn't have a clue about social media. He doesn't know what's popular, but always tries to look his best, when he needs to. He has a loving family, and works to provide for them. He loves God and others above himself. He says little, but what he says is always kind, instructional, loving, and wise. And simple. And though the rest of the world may want more and more, he is content and couldn't be happier. He eats dinner with his family, and falls asleep in bed, with his arm around his wife.

And some would say he's missing out on so much. But is he really? His life sounds rich and uncomplicated to me. It is stripped to the bare bones of what is important in his life. I am sure he doesn't think much about what he feels like, or wants for the day. He's not given to emotional highs and lows. He is even and smooth as lake water; steady and sure.

And there's me... So not like John, my calm imaginary farmer. I want to lead a simple life, and think of myself as simple, but I'm not. John might say something like, "I don't care much for strawberries." Where I will say, "Well, my mother didn't vary my foods much as a child, therefore I have a thing with textures and seeds that makes me gag easily." John would say, "I love watching the sunset." I would describe how as a child I had to go to bed while the sun had not yet set, and lie awake hours with that orangey sun on my walls and to this day it is utterly depressing to me.

Nothing is simple with me, try as I might. Dream as I may. I have a complex mind that over thinks everything, making it all harder than it needs to be. I long to be calm and at peace, to listen more and speak less. To dwell no longer on all the "why's" and accept. To love, regardless. To smile and go on. To pray throughout my day instead of getting knots in my stomach. To be free of the unnecessary and the excess, to fill my days with what truly matters. To work hard without complaint. To not give into emotional highs and lows.

And I know to many John's life seems awfully dull... And even I have a side that wants to see the world and explore and experience adventure. But in a simple and profound way...

So I, this over complicated woman, will continue to strive to be and live a simple life.

 

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A New Year, A Different Season of Life

My first blog post in 2014... Where to begin?....

A year ago, I was in the midst of school, deep in studies, feeling like it would never end. But it did, and now it feels like a world away. And how strange that it does...

I had a break after school, of just being...of mothering and homeschooling and catching up on life outside of school. It was very nice.

In January I started a job I love - working in the physical therapy department of a local hospital, in acute care and rehab. It's a job that scared me a bit in the beginning, but everyday is a learning experience and I become more comfortable there daily.

I work most weeks full time - then there is the house and the husband and 3 kids and 3 dogs and shopping and cooking (when I can!) and cleaning and driving... Lots of driving.

And life - the good and the bad, the painful and the in-between.

 

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The Last Summer

I do hope it is not, but for now, it does feel like my last summer...

I feel like the Israelites, when God gave them the land. And they sent a crew to spy the land, to see what it was like. And they saw giants and fortified cities and melted in fear. All except Joshua and Caleb. They knew the land was theirs, and if God gave it, He would see them through. Oh how I want to be a Joshua and a Caleb...

The sun is just peeking out, the house, still dark - everyone sleeping. But me. I wake, and think I shall finally sort out the clutter in my head. Face my thoughts instead of trying to distract myself from them. And so I sit, at my favorite kitchen table spot, with a cup of hot raspberry tea, and pray all stays asleep for a while.

Last fall, I decided to try to get into a physical therapy assistant program here in New Orleans. In order to even apply, I had to take chemistry and physics this spring...at the same time. All I want to say, is I am happy they are over, never to take those two again. (grin)   Plus, I had to volunteer as many hours as I could at 2 different physical therapy settings (the more you had, the better your chances). The PTA Program is the only one in the New Orleans area.

The day of the group interview, where everyone who jumped through all the same hoops as I, gathered together to hear that 114 of us had applied. 25 would be accepted. There were several people with degrees already, most worked in the physical therapy setting and had 100s of hours. As I left there, I texted my husband and told him only a miracle could get me in.

And I prayed, as I have all through chemistry and physics, and volunteer hours, "Lord, I have no back up plan, this is it...please."

On Joshua's 7th birthday, a couple weeks ago, I sat on the beach as the kids searched for hermit crabs. Hubby texts me that a big brown envelope came from school... Maybe they are sending all my stuff back, I tell him. I ask him to open it and read it aloud as he reads it. "We are pleased to inform you, you have been accepted..."

So exciting!

And so why am I now here, trying to rangle in all my thoughts and fears? Fears I know. They come easy to me. Especially the ones about me, not measuring up, in countless ways. Aren't I just the mom, with 3 kids? The one who loves to be home, take care of my house, and cook the meals? Aren't I still the kid who tries to do her best? And if only 25, then why me? How did I get the grades I did? How did I get here? Can I even do this?

So this August, I will enter the PTA Program. 5 days a week, from the hours of 8-6, for a solid year, I will be gone. Away from here, my cozy house and 3 kids, husband and 2 dogs.

In Gods providence, my hubby retires from a 22 year military career at the same time. And so, he will be the one to cook and clean and bring little one to school and pick him up and pack his lunches. And my heart breaks just thinking of it all.

 And yet I know, this is of God, and I must do it. He has shown me the land, I know it looks scary...others are younger, single, no kids, smarter, lots more experience... I can see it does look scary, and while all that may be true, He has brought me here. I can choose to believe Him, to enter in trusting that if He has called me to this, He will get me and my family, through.

I can enter in belief.

Is older really wiser?

I admit it, I used to be a bit judgmental of older women I would meet, Christian women even (especially), with bitter attitudes.

I used to think how, as I grew and matured, I so wanted to be grace-filled. I would want such an aroma of love and kindness to be dripping off me. I would want to be compassionate, offering those around me hope and wisdom.

And here I am, not yet 40, and I am feeling more and more inclined to wonder how one becomes all those wonderful things I wanted to be. As I grow older....

It gets harder to be hopeful when one lives and sees things never seem to change. No matter how much one hopes and prays otherwise. Harder to be compassionate when one sees others make the same mistakes, over and over again. Hard to stay sweet and kind when one sees so much - much wrong, much pain, much sadness, much grief... When one sees things she never thought she would, both in people and to people.

Oh it was easy when I was young, I see now as I look back on things. Everything was new - was just waiting to unfold before me. Wide eyes took it all in, with hope in all. Days not yet filled in, all looked promising, with the dreams one dreams.

And then years slip by, days begin to be filled, and the hope of all things bright and wonderful begin to slip by as well. Too much is seen and heard, things that cannot be erased. Pain is real and hearts begin to protect themselves from further injury, one layer over another, until it is doubtful of what it once trusted.

So how does one grow into the woman of beauty and grace I once dreamed I would be???

This will not be a post where I sum all things up in a neat little bow. Not even a verse to counter my thoughts. But since there remains in me a glimmer of that youthful hope, and still lots of curiosity, I shall endeavor to find the answers.

How to live with hope and a tender heart when it seems a heart would otherwise grow colder? How to live in peace, even when life does not feel peaceful? How to be kind when wronged? How to give hope to others, even when losing hope in many ways, herself?

These are the things I shall be wrestling out with God in the coming days. One of the many things I love about Him is that of all the questions I have brought before Him, and there have been many, in one way or another, He has always settled them in my heart.

And when He does, I will be happy to share. :)

Oh the holidays...

How I love this time of year...

My most favorite block of months -

from October to December.

I have been enjoying the lights, the already festiveness.

 The glow of the tree just makes me happy.

And finally, it has been cold enough for a fire!

Actually in the 30's in the morning/nights. 

Love it!

If I must study for my Pharmacology final, it can at least be done enjoyably.

Haha, yes, even this is possible!

Especially while sipping a cup of espresso over melted chocolate chips,

with cream stirred in (and a splash of vanilla!)

Add in a most delicious dessert -

and even Pharmacology can be bearable!

To even further get me in the Christmas mood -

I have been

Listening to this:

lovely music



And this too

While I cook, read, eat, read, get ready, or study;
love the folksy sounds!

Even (especially) in the midst of the trials, tests, questions and uncertainties of life,
One must create some time of peace, beauty, and a bit of solitude
to bring peace into a heart and life.
Moments to put aside all cares and worries.

May we all find time for that this season...

How Differerent Would We Live If We Kept Eternity In Our View....?

Today I found a gray/white/silver hair.  It was hard to tell as I just promptly pulled it out...

And instantly, I felt that feeling that thousands have felt before... - how did I get to this age?  So quickly?  I still feel so young!

And with those feelings, came the once again washing realization that this is life.  This is living - right now...  And it is brief.

I have been sad for days, over different things.  Emotions taking over all sense...  With the choice to end one path, and many paths laid out before me...  I feel like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz.  I want someone to point me in the right direction - I fear that on my own, I may just spin around and point... and take the wrong way.

And with those feelings come others.  "Who am I now?",  "What is my role?"  , "What to work for now?" 

And suddenly, with the sparkle of a silver that shouldn't yet be there - I was slapped out of my downward spiral.  (Thankfully, because it was so not fun!)

Again I am reminded of the breath I am breathing.  Those I love around me.  My feet firmly on this ground.  Beauty for the seeing.  It's all here - right now.  And if I would stop wallowing long enough, and for good, I could give this all to God.  I could stop the spinning, dry up the tears, place all of this in His hands, and live each day how I know to live.  The rest will work out.  With or without me knowing quite how. 

And meanwhile, there is eternity in view!  How will I love Him?  How will I trust Him?  How will I show His love to others?  Will I live for Him, or will He be in the background of my life?  Will I believe His truth or all that the world says is true?  Will I work to slap the rest of us out of the belief that today is not forever?  That we need God in our hearts and in our lives... that He is the silver lining in this life?

Oh that I would not be so earthly minded

 And that I would not miss the here and now

 The wonder that is this life.

Oh that I would give all things to God,

to trust Him,

to open my hands to what He has.

To not waste these moments of this brief life.

The Wind and the Waves (And Light)

Is it the way the sun is setting?  Casting that long orange light on all things, it's goodbye slant?  Is it that another day is done?

 

Is it the ups and downs in a marriage?  The way days or months of closeness come and is wonderful, and then days of feeling miles a part come, And I am left feeling the emptiness...

Or the way these children come with very distinct personalities - often very different from my own.  And I try to mother them the best I know, and I can still count all the ways I fail.

Or the close friends that I know are hurting, this very day....

Perhaps because I got a new phone today, and when I put in my memory card - with all 1500 plus cherished pictures on it, I couldn't get the new phone to pull them up - no matter what I did.  So, I thought if I formatted the card - it would work.  Instead, I erased every beloved picture... For this alone, I feel so weepy.

Coming back from an errand a bit ago, looking around, sites outside my window, all people busy living life.  And somehow the very sights seem lonely.  The familiar streets, cast in that long dim light, shadows flashing the light on and off. 

And I think about what it would be like to be a person without anyone to love.  Or to love you back.  And my throat aches. My eyes brim.

My thoughts go from one area of ache to another.  One challenge to another. 

And then I wonder what is wrong with me?  I'm not an evening person, this I know...

I am a woman... That has to account for some of it, I tell myself.

And I think of Revelation - where it tells of what it will be like in heaven - no sadness or tears, pain or grief.  And I think perhaps there will always be this ache, in this place.  To cause us to long for our true home.  One where we will be made whole.  Where life will be as it should.

And I think of Peter on the boat - walking along, trying to reach Jesus.  And he suddenly notices the waves, and he begins to sink.  Oh how I sink at times.

And He draws me to look to Him.  To take my eyes and my thoughts off of the waves, the lights and the shadows - the fears and the struggles that fill each day.  Sometimes that's all we can do - look for His face.  Look to His promises.  Cling to His Word.  Feed and be filled - on the only thing that truly satisfies.

Facets of Me

Many dimensions.  Complex yet simple.

Changing and yet the same.

Dark and and thoughtful, light and thankful.

Bright and cheerful.

A worrier yet carefree.

Always more beneath the surface.

Neat, compartmentalized and messy.

Vulnerable and weak, yet strong and independent.

All together and falling a part.

Happy and sad, smiles and tears.

Soul and spirit

And every single day,

I must take what I am to God.

He who formed me and knows me,

The parts I like and the parts I hate.

I must give Him all,

And lay all down at His feet.

Trust Him  - open my hands to what He gives.

How I want all of me to give Him glory.

It's Been a Week

One tough week - and I am so glad it's over.

In this week, I have had to turn in my stack of papers to nursing school.  I have had to do my finger prints 3 TIMES in one week. This is all just to get in.  Background checks, prints, shots - the works.

First, they were rejected by the nursing school because I filled out the top portion (name and address) in blue ink - instead of black ink.  So, round 2.  Back to local court house to be printed again.  Drive back into the city to deliver them.  Rejected again.  In my nervous haste to make sure I used a black ink pen, I used the cards from the sherrif department, instead of the cards the nursing school must have them on.  When I was told to go do them again - I almost cried like a baby.  Round 3.  I am getting to know the people in the Court House, and as nice as they are, I am praying I never have to go back.  Then, I drive back into the city - feeling like I am in Groundhog Day - and I will be doing this same thing again and again for the rest of my life - getting my fingerprints done - making the trek into New Orleans, going to the 6th floor - handing this lady my papers - and being told to do it all over again.  As I came shaking before her for the (thankfully) last time - I had everything in order.  Accepted.  Yes!!

And this is just to get into the school. 

Also this week, I have had 2 of the hardest tests.  I have had to know everything there is to know about the lymphatic, respiratory, and endocrine systems.  I have had to know all the how's, what's, why's and what if's.  I have had to label every part of each system.

And I have nearly fallen apart.

Stress - it doesn't do a body good.  Nor a mind.  Nor a heart for that matter.

When I am under such stress, I find myself desperately clinging to some solid ground.  I find myself floundering in old fears and anxieties.  The enemy knows me well.  And knows how to knock me down when I am already low. 

Seems when I have to perfect in one area (school, tests, grades, studying, remembering it all) - I lose it in another.  Those fears that make you sick to your stomach, take away any appetite, and haunt you even when all seems well.  That can bring tears to your eyes and make your throat ache with needing a good cry. 

I hate that part of me - I want it gone.  I give to God again and again.  And sadly, I know part of what He wants from me.  To let go.  But in my stress and anxiety - in my floundering for some control in my life - I grip tighter and tighter.  And I don't listen.  And I ache over what I do and don't do.

In August I will be done with all other classes leading up to the nursing program.  I will officially begin the program.  I have heard so many horror stories about how hard it is.  And I know, if I don't get a grip on the issues I have now.... 

God has me in His hands.  This I know.  He will make a way for me to do all He calls me to do.  I must find a way to give Him these fears and leave them there.  I must loosen my grip. 

I know He is trustworthy.  I know He will meet me where I am, He will supply my needs.  He will be there no matter what.

And yet it's the very "no matter what" I fear....

Complex

Who am anyway?

I think I shall never quite figure myself out.

This I know about me -

I think deeply

constantly

rampantly.

I see far ahead

and what is behind.

I see the whole scope of things

always before me.

I am extremely sentimental.

My love stretches widely

and is amazingly deep.

My thoughts and moods can vary within moments

depending on the clouds

the sun

the shadows

the music

the company

the time of day.

I do not like to argue,

don't like confrontation.

I am a worrier.

I hurt easily.

Little things can make me happy.

Like

 a hug

a kind word

a smile

a gesture

being home

a new book

a sweet story

a hand in mine.

I am serious

but can be silly.

I am quiet

but can chatter away.

I prefer being one on one

yet I love people.

Whatever I feel is always written on my face

I can't fake otherwise.

A part of me is strong

capable of anything.

And the other part is as fragile as butterfly wings.

I look up

and trust

God will mold me

in all my complexity

into something beautiful.

Something He can use.

Hello Old Friend(s)

You know how it is when there is that friend you've been meaning to call.  You know you should, but you are just so busy.  And so much time has passed, you don't know where you would even begin.  So much to catch up on, you don't know if you have it in you...
That's how it's been with my blog - for a while.

Before the weather began to turn cooler, me and Joshie visited the park - though now (when it is cooler) would be a much better time to do so!

I just decorated the house for fall, my most favorite season - that leads into my other favorite season.  Its been too hot to go into the attic to even get the decorations - and I am always afraid of something jumping out at me - not that anything I can imagine could survive in an attic during a Louisiana summer.

Made a friendly welcome spot by the front door.  Put on the pretty fall wreath, and added a swag of fall leaves around the front door.

Decorated the table across from the front door.  Just makes me feel cheery looking at it.  Decorated the mantle also.

I have been busying studying, all the time it seems.  I am taking what I knew would be one of the hardest classes to date.  And it is.  Anatomy and Physiology.  I have had to learn every bone, every kind of skin and tissue.  The body cavities and organs.  The planes of a body and it's directional terms.  The joints, and how they all move.  And that's only so far.  It is overwhelming.  I have been doing well, grade-wise.  But those grades don't come easy.  We have 50 question tests every Wednesday evening.  (THIS evening).  Feel like I never study enough, and yet I do all the time.  And that's just one of my classes.....

One day after I dropped Joshua off at kindergarten, I went to a McD's near the school, and just sat in the play place.  It was early in the morning, and no kids were there.  I sat there for around 2 hours, drinking my coffee and learning the axial system.  If I am at home, I usually find something else that needs to be done, or am distracted by the laptop!

I study in the carpool line.  Note cards that take me a whole day just to make...  Wherever I have a few minutes to sit, I study.

One of the main (real) reasons I haven't blogged much (at all) is that I have been going through a very emotional time lately.  Two people very close to me have been going through extremely painful experiences.  They just so happen to be experiences I fear - and have always feared.  I guess going through it with them has heightened my already there fears, and have made me.... a nut.  

There is this logical side of me - that knows better.  That knows my fears are irrational.  That knows better to ultimately trust in the outward things, or latch on to false idols.  I know better than this.  I know that God has me in His hand - and that all things are under His control.  I know I should be feeding on His truth, instead of allowing the enemy to have a field day with my mind, heart and emotions.

But there is this other side of me, that is weak.  That easily gives into fear.  That doesn't prioritize my time, that doesn't spend enough time in God's Word.  That feeds my fears.  I don't like that side.  I want to be free, and every time I think I am, it rears it's ugly head again.  I need to get at the root of my fears, and let God deal with them, teach me, show me the truth.  And I feel that I give it to Him, beg Him to take them, and there they come again. 

Life is hard.  It does get ugly and it is often painful.  But I know that my hope has to be on Him.  In Him. 

And He loves me.  And I can trust Him with what I have given Him. When life fails us, He never will.  He has truly blessed me - and I am so grateful.

I have to keep reminding myself of that.