In this week, I have had to turn in my stack of papers to nursing school. I have had to do my finger prints 3 TIMES in one week. This is all just to get in. Background checks, prints, shots - the works.
First, they were rejected by the nursing school because I filled out the top portion (name and address) in blue ink - instead of black ink. So, round 2. Back to local court house to be printed again. Drive back into the city to deliver them. Rejected again. In my nervous haste to make sure I used a black ink pen, I used the cards from the sherrif department, instead of the cards the nursing school must have them on. When I was told to go do them again - I almost cried like a baby. Round 3. I am getting to know the people in the Court House, and as nice as they are, I am praying I never have to go back. Then, I drive back into the city - feeling like I am in Groundhog Day - and I will be doing this same thing again and again for the rest of my life - getting my fingerprints done - making the trek into New Orleans, going to the 6th floor - handing this lady my papers - and being told to do it all over again. As I came shaking before her for the (thankfully) last time - I had everything in order. Accepted. Yes!!
And this is just to get into the school.
Also this week, I have had 2 of the hardest tests. I have had to know everything there is to know about the lymphatic, respiratory, and endocrine systems. I have had to know all the how's, what's, why's and what if's. I have had to label every part of each system.
And I have nearly fallen apart.
Stress - it doesn't do a body good. Nor a mind. Nor a heart for that matter.
When I am under such stress, I find myself desperately clinging to some solid ground. I find myself floundering in old fears and anxieties. The enemy knows me well. And knows how to knock me down when I am already low.
Seems when I have to perfect in one area (school, tests, grades, studying, remembering it all) - I lose it in another. Those fears that make you sick to your stomach, take away any appetite, and haunt you even when all seems well. That can bring tears to your eyes and make your throat ache with needing a good cry.
I hate that part of me - I want it gone. I give to God again and again. And sadly, I know part of what He wants from me. To let go. But in my stress and anxiety - in my floundering for some control in my life - I grip tighter and tighter. And I don't listen. And I ache over what I do and don't do.
In August I will be done with all other classes leading up to the nursing program. I will officially begin the program. I have heard so many horror stories about how hard it is. And I know, if I don't get a grip on the issues I have now....
God has me in His hands. This I know. He will make a way for me to do all He calls me to do. I must find a way to give Him these fears and leave them there. I must loosen my grip.
I know He is trustworthy. I know He will meet me where I am, He will supply my needs. He will be there no matter what.
And yet it's the very "no matter what" I fear....
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