The Last Summer

I do hope it is not, but for now, it does feel like my last summer...

I feel like the Israelites, when God gave them the land. And they sent a crew to spy the land, to see what it was like. And they saw giants and fortified cities and melted in fear. All except Joshua and Caleb. They knew the land was theirs, and if God gave it, He would see them through. Oh how I want to be a Joshua and a Caleb...

The sun is just peeking out, the house, still dark - everyone sleeping. But me. I wake, and think I shall finally sort out the clutter in my head. Face my thoughts instead of trying to distract myself from them. And so I sit, at my favorite kitchen table spot, with a cup of hot raspberry tea, and pray all stays asleep for a while.

Last fall, I decided to try to get into a physical therapy assistant program here in New Orleans. In order to even apply, I had to take chemistry and physics this spring...at the same time. All I want to say, is I am happy they are over, never to take those two again. (grin)   Plus, I had to volunteer as many hours as I could at 2 different physical therapy settings (the more you had, the better your chances). The PTA Program is the only one in the New Orleans area.

The day of the group interview, where everyone who jumped through all the same hoops as I, gathered together to hear that 114 of us had applied. 25 would be accepted. There were several people with degrees already, most worked in the physical therapy setting and had 100s of hours. As I left there, I texted my husband and told him only a miracle could get me in.

And I prayed, as I have all through chemistry and physics, and volunteer hours, "Lord, I have no back up plan, this is it...please."

On Joshua's 7th birthday, a couple weeks ago, I sat on the beach as the kids searched for hermit crabs. Hubby texts me that a big brown envelope came from school... Maybe they are sending all my stuff back, I tell him. I ask him to open it and read it aloud as he reads it. "We are pleased to inform you, you have been accepted..."

So exciting!

And so why am I now here, trying to rangle in all my thoughts and fears? Fears I know. They come easy to me. Especially the ones about me, not measuring up, in countless ways. Aren't I just the mom, with 3 kids? The one who loves to be home, take care of my house, and cook the meals? Aren't I still the kid who tries to do her best? And if only 25, then why me? How did I get the grades I did? How did I get here? Can I even do this?

So this August, I will enter the PTA Program. 5 days a week, from the hours of 8-6, for a solid year, I will be gone. Away from here, my cozy house and 3 kids, husband and 2 dogs.

In Gods providence, my hubby retires from a 22 year military career at the same time. And so, he will be the one to cook and clean and bring little one to school and pick him up and pack his lunches. And my heart breaks just thinking of it all.

 And yet I know, this is of God, and I must do it. He has shown me the land, I know it looks scary...others are younger, single, no kids, smarter, lots more experience... I can see it does look scary, and while all that may be true, He has brought me here. I can choose to believe Him, to enter in trusting that if He has called me to this, He will get me and my family, through.

I can enter in belief.

Is older really wiser?

I admit it, I used to be a bit judgmental of older women I would meet, Christian women even (especially), with bitter attitudes.

I used to think how, as I grew and matured, I so wanted to be grace-filled. I would want such an aroma of love and kindness to be dripping off me. I would want to be compassionate, offering those around me hope and wisdom.

And here I am, not yet 40, and I am feeling more and more inclined to wonder how one becomes all those wonderful things I wanted to be. As I grow older....

It gets harder to be hopeful when one lives and sees things never seem to change. No matter how much one hopes and prays otherwise. Harder to be compassionate when one sees others make the same mistakes, over and over again. Hard to stay sweet and kind when one sees so much - much wrong, much pain, much sadness, much grief... When one sees things she never thought she would, both in people and to people.

Oh it was easy when I was young, I see now as I look back on things. Everything was new - was just waiting to unfold before me. Wide eyes took it all in, with hope in all. Days not yet filled in, all looked promising, with the dreams one dreams.

And then years slip by, days begin to be filled, and the hope of all things bright and wonderful begin to slip by as well. Too much is seen and heard, things that cannot be erased. Pain is real and hearts begin to protect themselves from further injury, one layer over another, until it is doubtful of what it once trusted.

So how does one grow into the woman of beauty and grace I once dreamed I would be???

This will not be a post where I sum all things up in a neat little bow. Not even a verse to counter my thoughts. But since there remains in me a glimmer of that youthful hope, and still lots of curiosity, I shall endeavor to find the answers.

How to live with hope and a tender heart when it seems a heart would otherwise grow colder? How to live in peace, even when life does not feel peaceful? How to be kind when wronged? How to give hope to others, even when losing hope in many ways, herself?

These are the things I shall be wrestling out with God in the coming days. One of the many things I love about Him is that of all the questions I have brought before Him, and there have been many, in one way or another, He has always settled them in my heart.

And when He does, I will be happy to share. :)

I Come to the Table

"He humbled you, causing you to hunger and feeding you with manna,

which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord."

Deut. 8:3

I get the bigger ones off to school.

Get myself ready, check emails, study a bit of pharmacology.

Get the little one up and bring him to school.

Stop off at the store, pick up ingredients for this evenings dinner.

Get home, put groceries away, start dishwasher and washing machine.

Feed dogs and take little one out for a bit.

All morning I feel the pull.  I feel the hunger.  I know just what I need.

So I come.  Hungry and empty.

I light a candle.

I set the table.  A feast for my soul.  Nourishment like no other.

"Men ate angels' food;  He sent them food to the full."

Ps. 78:25

I dig in, because I have tasted and know that only God can fill and change and grow and strengthen.  

"Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God."

Matt 4:4

We may try to fill ourselves with all sorts of "good things", but eventually that emptiness comes back.  And just as the Israelites had to gather manna every morning, we too have to come often - to His table.  To eat of of what only He can give.

"You also gave Your good Spirit to instruct them,  And did not withhold Your manna from their mouth, And gave them water for their thirst."

Neh. 9:20

And when I am fed and full, I pray that the overflow is used by Him.

That He gives me what I can give away.

I recently discovered a great app (ESVBible) or website -  www.esvbible.org . 

 You can read the bible, take notes, highlight,

and the coolest part to me is that you can click "listen" and it will read it to you.

How Differerent Would We Live If We Kept Eternity In Our View....?

Today I found a gray/white/silver hair.  It was hard to tell as I just promptly pulled it out...

And instantly, I felt that feeling that thousands have felt before... - how did I get to this age?  So quickly?  I still feel so young!

And with those feelings, came the once again washing realization that this is life.  This is living - right now...  And it is brief.

I have been sad for days, over different things.  Emotions taking over all sense...  With the choice to end one path, and many paths laid out before me...  I feel like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz.  I want someone to point me in the right direction - I fear that on my own, I may just spin around and point... and take the wrong way.

And with those feelings come others.  "Who am I now?",  "What is my role?"  , "What to work for now?" 

And suddenly, with the sparkle of a silver that shouldn't yet be there - I was slapped out of my downward spiral.  (Thankfully, because it was so not fun!)

Again I am reminded of the breath I am breathing.  Those I love around me.  My feet firmly on this ground.  Beauty for the seeing.  It's all here - right now.  And if I would stop wallowing long enough, and for good, I could give this all to God.  I could stop the spinning, dry up the tears, place all of this in His hands, and live each day how I know to live.  The rest will work out.  With or without me knowing quite how. 

And meanwhile, there is eternity in view!  How will I love Him?  How will I trust Him?  How will I show His love to others?  Will I live for Him, or will He be in the background of my life?  Will I believe His truth or all that the world says is true?  Will I work to slap the rest of us out of the belief that today is not forever?  That we need God in our hearts and in our lives... that He is the silver lining in this life?

Oh that I would not be so earthly minded

 And that I would not miss the here and now

 The wonder that is this life.

Oh that I would give all things to God,

to trust Him,

to open my hands to what He has.

To not waste these moments of this brief life.

Joy again...

Just when all is dark -  even when it has gone on dark for a while,

and you are waiting for the season to pass,

light slowly creeps back in.

Barely detectable at first.

But then you begin to feel hope and happiness again. 

Your heart begins to warm. 

Then it just bursts out, and you look up...you notice.

Because your heart feels so much better when the dark season is over.

Everything feels sweet again.

Joy seeps in, laughter is real, contentment finds its way back, food tastes good...

And though you've passed through the valley,

you wonder if you will ever be the same as before you entered...

You want to be the same,

 but would that defeat going through the valley in the first place?

What do you leave and what does God want you to use?

How to be a good steward of a dark season?  Of sorrow?

I suppose the wrestling of questions like these is just part of coming out of the valley...

Praise God,

 joy does come in the morning,

and for the hilltops,

and the plateaus....

Aawww, sweet plateaus.

I'd like to camp here for a while...

A Season for Weeping

I have always loved Weeping Willows...

Graceful and sad at the same time.

Long, weeping branches.

Tossed by the breeze.



Minus the gracefulness, they remind me of me right now...

Weeping and swaying, but standing (just barely).



There are very few times in a person's life (thank God),

when one's "usual" comforts fail.

When a storm comes so suddenly, so painfully....

One where every breath is thought out and deliberate...it hurts...

Such a season shows what you once thought were problems, weren't really problems at all.

I am in such a season...

Where I am standing like the mighty willow,

where I am planted...  because I must.

But I am so fragile and blowing by life's events.

None of my usual "loves" offer any comfort...

No book, no bath, no shopping trip, no food...

No computer, no facebook, no phone calls, no TV...

I am even near refusing comfort from God...

I am not angry with Him, but I am in such a state that comfort is hard to find.

Or should I say, receive.

When one wants only one thing,

and this thing I can not have...

When He has other plans for me

I find it so hard to open my hands and let Him have His way.

Such a season shows that all can be stripped away,

every earthly possession,

except those we love.

It boils down everything very quickly -

to either meaningless or meaningful.

There's no thinking about it or figuring it out -

it immediately becomes clear.

And I want nothing but the meaningful...

The touch and love of my sweet hubby.

The presence of my children.

The tears and prayers of the closest of friends.

As painful as this is right now,

I have seen and tasted that God is Good.

And though I must endure this season,

I know, He is still Good.

My Quiet Time Basket

In an effort to curb the stacks of books from end tables and even my kitchen table

I looked for a pretty basket -

a quiet time basket.

I gathered up all the essentials.

All those items for time alone with God.

A bible study I recently bought.

(Love when I am in a study that has me flipping back and forth all over my bible!)

A wonderful book I have been reading - a great book for new believers, and wisdom when helping those new in the faith.

 Also for those who need a bit of fresh inspiration in their not so new walk of faith.

My prayer journal



A great bible study I want to do next...

My "when I am studying" bible, and my "when I am reading only" bible

In this journal, I write out paragraphs from books I am reading, and don't want to forget,

or meaningful quotes,

or lists of books I want to read,

things I want to go back to.

This, my attempt to be more organized...

Not working - but I did write it all out...

If only I would remember to go back and read it occasionally!



My gratitude journal - is actually left open on my kitchen table. 

Daily counting blessings of life.

And my set of scriptures - for when I need to cling to a verse...

And a bookmark Joshua brought home from school.

The perfect quiet time spot...

What's in your quiet time stack/pile/basket?

Facets of Me

Many dimensions.  Complex yet simple.

Changing and yet the same.

Dark and and thoughtful, light and thankful.

Bright and cheerful.

A worrier yet carefree.

Always more beneath the surface.

Neat, compartmentalized and messy.

Vulnerable and weak, yet strong and independent.

All together and falling a part.

Happy and sad, smiles and tears.

Soul and spirit

And every single day,

I must take what I am to God.

He who formed me and knows me,

The parts I like and the parts I hate.

I must give Him all,

And lay all down at His feet.

Trust Him  - open my hands to what He gives.

How I want all of me to give Him glory.

A New Year on the Horizon

I kinda feel like I am standing on the edge of someplace comfortable, afraid to step into new territory...  The territory of a new year.  Can't we just linger here a while longer?

2011 is going to bring many changes....  And right now, none of them feel good.  Job changes, school changes - for me and Joshua - nursing school beginning, and a few others.  And those are only the few I KNOW will be happening...What about the ones that pop up unexpectedly???

I feel like the groundhog - afraid of the shadows.

I have never been one to embrace change.  Never..  Even good changes bring me stress.  I know, I am weird. 

Thinking of all that this year has in store, or may have in store, makes my stomach flip flop - more than any year I can previously think of... 

Ann Voskamp - on her wonderful blog - A Holy Experience discussed how she had named years for the past several.  I had never thought of doing such a thing.  As she was looking over her busy schedule for the year ahead - several things that scare her - changes, and stepping out into the unknown, she thought of this years name:  The Year of Here.  Because we only have this moment - right now.  We can't ruin this moment, worrying about moments that haven't even come yet.

That so got me thinking.  I think I shall have to adopt her name - the name of this 2011 year that makes me so afraid.  The Year of Here.  God only gives grace for the moment we are in.  One minute, one hour, one day at a time.  So, when those fears arise, and those butterflies fly, I need to take a deep breathe, and remember to enjoy right here and now... 

And remember that when those moments do come, He will give me grace for those as well...

Happy New Year friends

Why the CROSS is to be the center of our life

While my littlest napped - sick today with a stomach bug -

 I finished crocheting a scarf -

while I watched this sermon from David Platt.  Though just a bit into it, I had to put down my project, and grab my bible, paper and pen.
 
If you have a bit of time, I encourage you to please watch...
You might want to get your bible out first :)

Go to the bottom and mute the music on this blog beforehand.

 "In our sin, we put ourselves where only God deserves to be, but God, in His mercy, has put Himself where you and I deserve to be."

The Jesse Tree Journey

As we savor this CHRISTmas season, we savor the meaning as well.

We count the days this year, to the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus,

using the Jesse Tree Journey.

Each night, we read a devotional - stories from the Old Testament,  pointing to Christ.

" A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse;

from his roots a Branch will bear fruit.

The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him-

the Spirit of wisdom and understanding,

the Spirit of counsel and of might,

the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the LORD."

Isaiah 11:1-2

Each day has a picture to go with the story, and after each devotional is read,

a child finds the picture to hang.

I got some bare branches and put them in a vase.

I absolutely love this visual - as we count the days, and focus on our Savior.

(And so do the kids!)

You can download your free Jesse Tree Journey also - @

http://www.aholyexperience.com/

On Being a Woman

As a child, I used to think that "grown-ups" were so secure.  Not always right, or perfect, but sure.  Is it because as a kid, and even a teenager, I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts and feelings - that I never thought about what the grown-ups around me were dealing with?  What made me think that when I became a woman, all of those emotions and doubts and insecurities would just go away?  Why did I look at grown-ups as though they lacked all that I felt? 

I think of the women in my life while growing up, none of them had it easy.  Their marriages were far from perfect.  They had troubles with their children, and money and all sorts of other everyday difficulties.  I think I just saw them "do it".  They just did what needed to be done, went on about their days, and made do with what they had.  I don't know why I thought they could do it all without the bundle of emotions that come with being a woman.

And here I am.  Now a woman.  Feeling very much still like the teenage girl.  I still find myself wondering when that age will come when I am like what I thought a woman was.  And it concerns me that it will never come.  That I will always carry these feelings.  The shyness, the uncertainty, the insecurities, the doubts and fears.  Maybe there really is no magical age where all of those things disappear - like I thought. 

There is real life to be lived.  With real concerns, battles, hardships, and struggles.  Bad things really do happen to good people, and people really can go astray.  People will still hurt you, and it will sting.  The dailiness of life will bring many issues that need to be dealt with.  Life is rarely just smooth-sailing.

Many times I look up to the sky with such an ache, followed by such a peace.  If God did not see, and if He were not real, if there was not a hope, I would be crushed under it all.

Oh Praise God, He is real.  He is our Hope. 

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.  I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them.  They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
He who way seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!"  Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
He said to me:  "It is done.  I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End.  To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life.  He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son.
Revelation 21 :1-7

The Power of a Testimony

Today was such an amazing day.  It even started off great.  I went outside on the back patio with my coffee and prayer journal.  Something I have not done because it's been too hot to do so.  But this morning, - it just looked too pretty.  And I was so surprised to feel a bit of a breeze as I sat out there.  Just that first hint that fall is on it's way. 

Oh that always makes me so happy!

Today our church held its "First Annual Testimony Luncheon".  It's been an idea of ours for quite some time, and finally today was the day.  We decorated the sanctuary with pretty tables and table clothes, vases, flower petals and candles.  One woman made bookmarks with ribbons on them for each lady - and also a take home craft for everyone.  It looked so pretty.

We had nearly 100 women come.  We ate lunch, women sang, 2 women danced to a beautiful song, 4 women shared their testimonies.  Those four women reached so many of us by sharing the struggles of their lives - the pain, the heartache, the wrong choices, the consequences of sin, and how God used the things they endured to change their hearts and lives.  I was in tears through most of it.  It was all so beautiful.  Toward the end, about 14 of us got up and one by one walked across the stage, holding up our cardboard testimonies, while a song played.  I was so nervous, as I do not like to be in front of a group of people, especially on a stage, but as I walked across the stage, I got so emotional.  Not out of fear, but out of seeing the emotion is the womens' faces, and knowing that when we share our lives with others, we give hope.  I actually bit my lip trying not to cry.  (As I did through most of the night).

I praise God for today.  For giving women the strength to share with others, things that were very hard for them.  For touching hearts and changing lives.  For women just loving other women, as sisters.

"They overcame by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony."

Revelation 12:12

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;  the old has gone, the new has come!"

2 Corinthians 5:17

The Pursuit of God

How is it that it has taken me 10 yrs into my Christian walk to read this book?

I do not know.

But for any of you that haven't yet read it - if there are any - I wouldn't put it off another day.

I began reading it at the park the other day while Joshua played.

Under this mighty tree - sure and firm - just like this book.

I dig in as littlest digs into dirt - both of us diving in.

(Only I don't need a bath after!)

And just as the light shines through in the sky above me, so is my heart enlightened as I read.

Just a portion of the countless passages I have underlined and felt revived in:

"It is important that we get still to wait on God.  And it is best that we get alone, preferably with our Bible outspread before us.  Then if we will we may draw near to God and begin to hear Him speak to us in our hearts.  I think for the average person the progression will be something like this:  First a sound as of a Presence walking in the garden.  Then a Voice more intelligible, but still far from clear.  Then the happy moment when the Spirit begins to illuminate the Scriptures and that which had been only a sound, or at best a voice, now becomes an intelligible word, warm and intimate and clear as the word of a dear friend.  Then will come life and light, and best of all, ability to see and rest in and embrace Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord and All."

"If you would follow on to know the Lord, come at once to the open Bible expecting it to speak to you.  Do not come with the notion that it is a thing which you may push around at your convenience.  It is more than a thing;  it is a voice, a word, the very Word of the living God."

"Lord, teach me to listen.  The times are noisy and my ears are weary with the thousand raucous sounds which continuously assault them.  Give me the spirit of the boy Samuel when he said to Thee, "Speak for Thy servant heareth."  Let me hear Thee speaking in my heart.  Let me get used to the sound of Thy voice that its tones may be familiar when the sounds of earth die away and the only sound will be the music of Thy speaking voice.  Amen." 

A.W. Tozer