A Bit of Calm

Aaahhh nursing school....

I knew to expect hard.  Double hard.  But actually doing it, is really really hard.  I've been in college for 2 yrs now...  I know how to study.  I've made all A's.  Now, it's just about passing... making it through.  And surviving.

At times I feel all my kids will remember about me in their childhood was that I studied.  For Joshua especially.  I get up early, get kids off to school, rush off to the big city (aka, New Orleans), spend a day in lectures or clinicals, rush back to our town, rush to carpool line, rush home to make dinner, then study pretty much till bed.  Everyday...  I no longer have free time or me time. 

And if I think of how long I have to do this - how long till the end, I can easily become way too overwhelmed.  I generally live on the verge of giving it all I have, and falling a part - thinking this is too hard...  We had hospital orientation last week, and there was this person in the hall mopping the floor.  And I stood there, my mind swimming with patients, meds, shots, sickness, responsibilty, & "what I am doing??" - the floor mopping job began to look good...

This week I start working in the hospital.  With actual patients.  With responsibility I may never have known, seeing and doing what I have never done.  A friend had her first week in the hospital last week, and when I talked to her yesterday - I was thinking, "She made it.  She survived and so will I."  Other than an aching back, she did very well.  And when I get overwhelmed by it all - I have to remember I too will make it.

Clay said to me a couple of weeks ago something that has really helped me.  He reminded me of that old saying, "How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time."  Believe it or not, this truly helps.  Every day, every check off, every chapter studied, every test passed, every uncomfortable situation becoming more comfortable...I do it one bite at a time - till it's done.

This weekend has been like the calm before the storm.  I have a calculations test Monday, hospital Tuesday and Wednesday, class all day Thursday, check off on shots Thursday evening, class on Friday.  Big test the following Monday in Pharmacology...one bite at a time. 

Me and the kiddos went to the "country" to visit my parents today.  It was so nice.  The weather was beautiful.  The food was good.  We all got lots of fresh air & sunshine.

From the back patio

Joshua helped me cut the wildflowers

A rabbit as soft as velvet

The chickens and the roosters

Bellpeppers growing green

Sights along the paths

Winding through, again and again...just enjoying

Stopping to look at all the strange mushrooms

The breezes - how I love the breezes

Racing

Sun in leaves

Treasures taken home

Just lovely it was...

Now - I must study :)

A New Season

For a person who does not like change, one who clings to the familiar, changes have surely come... And one of the biggest ones come tomorrow.

August brought a return to school for the kiddos. The older two moved up a grade in the schools they were in last year, a relatively easy adjustment. Our youngest began 1st grade at a new school, which has been a really hard adjustment for him and for me. In kindergarten, he was in a Christian school where my best friend was his teacher, there were 12 kids in his class, he learned a bible verse a week, and all was loving and sweet. Enter public school... It has been a shock to his sensitive little self.

His teacher is great, but there is a teacher he has to deal with on a daily basis that is.....a bit on the firm side. He has had to adjust to teachers yelling a bit, trying to get lots more kids to behave and do what they expect them to do. The second week of school (last week), he cried for 3 mornings. Which nearly broke my heart.... But I am grateful to say, that after talking to his teacher, he & I feel a lot better. He is getting used to it, loves to learn, & even rode the school bus once for the first time. He said the best part of the bus ride was seeing me & his daddy waiting for him at the bus stop.

Tomorrow I begin nursing school. I feel like I am in a plane, about to parachute out. I have had lots of training, but still am not ready to jump. As a matter a fact, I'm not even sure I want to jump...but there are people behind me, waiting, expecting me to jump...after all, that's what I've been training for, for 2 years.

I feel like the Israelites, I've heard the bad report...many bad reports. Not much encouragement, from either students or nurses. They have me feeling like my life is about to be over... I have to remember it is doable. It just has to be.

I know God has carried me this far, I believe He has directed my course. I never could have done what I have so far, on my own. 17 classes, 15 A's, 2 B's. I remember the fear as I began college 2 years ago, wondering how I could do it. And here I am again, with 2 years of nursing school ahead of me, and I am in fear and trembling again.

If I ever have a free moment again (I fear I won't), I will try to write after the first week or so and give a quick update. I have been told that the first week is the worst, and to remember that other weeks aren't as bad or the same. I will try to remember that...

I do so wish I was one of those people who just jumped into new adventures with a gleeful attitude. Instead, I kinda picture myself holding onto a tree, while a fierce wind tries to blow me free.

I pray that I will have a gleeful update soon!

There Are Giants in The Land

They are there.

And I see every one of them.

Yet I am sure, there are others I just haven't seen yet.
But they are there - as I have been told.

I mean really. 

What am I doing? -

I ask myself as I sit in my car.

Waiting to go meet with my advisor for a mandatory meeting at nursing school.

I don't belong here.

Nothing feels familiar.

Or even good.

I'm not smart enough.

I don't do well with stress.

Think of the hours....

The next 2 years of my life....

I don't even know what I am doing???

I feel sick as I sit here. 

Wanting to instead return home.

To life as I knew it.

Just being a mom and a wife.

Having to make only the decisions of what to do in a day...

Whatever I wanted to do...

Really - how did I get here? 

Where my days are now spent studying???

Having to know every single minute part of the human body...

How strange it all seems.

When these feelings and thoughts overwhelm me,

I admit I wallow in them a bit.

I pout and think of why I don't want to go on.

How it's too hard for me...

I am like the people of Israel, who heard the bad report - who raised their voices and wept aloud.

(and I have heard...too many bad reports!)

Then, I remember...

"The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good.

If the Lord is pleased with us, He will lead us into that land,

a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us.

Only do not rebel against the Lord.  And do not be afraid of the people

of the land... Do not be afraid of them."

Numbers 14:7-9

I have to remember that God has carried me here,

for a purpose.

I know it and must trust it.

Though the miles are long,

the gas is high,

the traffic is bad,

the buildings are high,

strange people walking by,

the work is hard....

"But because my servant...has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly,

I will bring (her) into the land (she) went to."

Numbers 14:24

He has lead me here, and I must not look at all the many giants -

I must look to Him and trust in Him alone.

It's Been a Week

One tough week - and I am so glad it's over.

In this week, I have had to turn in my stack of papers to nursing school.  I have had to do my finger prints 3 TIMES in one week. This is all just to get in.  Background checks, prints, shots - the works.

First, they were rejected by the nursing school because I filled out the top portion (name and address) in blue ink - instead of black ink.  So, round 2.  Back to local court house to be printed again.  Drive back into the city to deliver them.  Rejected again.  In my nervous haste to make sure I used a black ink pen, I used the cards from the sherrif department, instead of the cards the nursing school must have them on.  When I was told to go do them again - I almost cried like a baby.  Round 3.  I am getting to know the people in the Court House, and as nice as they are, I am praying I never have to go back.  Then, I drive back into the city - feeling like I am in Groundhog Day - and I will be doing this same thing again and again for the rest of my life - getting my fingerprints done - making the trek into New Orleans, going to the 6th floor - handing this lady my papers - and being told to do it all over again.  As I came shaking before her for the (thankfully) last time - I had everything in order.  Accepted.  Yes!!

And this is just to get into the school. 

Also this week, I have had 2 of the hardest tests.  I have had to know everything there is to know about the lymphatic, respiratory, and endocrine systems.  I have had to know all the how's, what's, why's and what if's.  I have had to label every part of each system.

And I have nearly fallen apart.

Stress - it doesn't do a body good.  Nor a mind.  Nor a heart for that matter.

When I am under such stress, I find myself desperately clinging to some solid ground.  I find myself floundering in old fears and anxieties.  The enemy knows me well.  And knows how to knock me down when I am already low. 

Seems when I have to perfect in one area (school, tests, grades, studying, remembering it all) - I lose it in another.  Those fears that make you sick to your stomach, take away any appetite, and haunt you even when all seems well.  That can bring tears to your eyes and make your throat ache with needing a good cry. 

I hate that part of me - I want it gone.  I give to God again and again.  And sadly, I know part of what He wants from me.  To let go.  But in my stress and anxiety - in my floundering for some control in my life - I grip tighter and tighter.  And I don't listen.  And I ache over what I do and don't do.

In August I will be done with all other classes leading up to the nursing program.  I will officially begin the program.  I have heard so many horror stories about how hard it is.  And I know, if I don't get a grip on the issues I have now.... 

God has me in His hands.  This I know.  He will make a way for me to do all He calls me to do.  I must find a way to give Him these fears and leave them there.  I must loosen my grip. 

I know He is trustworthy.  I know He will meet me where I am, He will supply my needs.  He will be there no matter what.

And yet it's the very "no matter what" I fear....

Changes Are In The Air

I am never one for change. 

I tend to prefer to stick with what I know, what's comfortable.

And though I am afraid of some of the changes on the horizon,

this time, I'm also excited.

Some sweet changes blowing in -

My azaleas are budding.

And soon they will be covered with soft pink flowers -

and I will fill vases -

bringing the beauty inside.

Bradford Pears are in cottony bloom.

They catch my eye everywhere I go.

Me pointing them out has Joshua counting them,

everywhere we go.

I just love trees with red berries. 

Naturally decorative, all on their own.

Soon, all the trees will be covered in leaves.

Love this sight of the moss blowing on such a windy day as yesterday.

And then their are changes that terrify and excite at the same time.

I went for my nursing school orientation this week.

Here we find out all the shots we must get, blood work drawn, physicals done, papers to be filled out.

Security checks done, fees to be paid, things to get in order - and soon.

I have never had to drive into the city before - other than sight seeing/family outings kind of things.

I feel so grown up, having to drive into the city to get to this big old building -

where I will attend nursing school.

More gas to be pumped, traffic to contend with, bridges to cross and miles from home.

Seems scary.

Sort of like this painting, that greets you when you enter the building.

Just a bit intimidating....

 Don't know why the date stops at 1992, because further down, the dates were all up-to-date.

I have been told all of the horror stories of nursing school, and yet I am sure there are many more...

but I must remember that God has clearly called me to this.

He has been with me all this way - through all these classes,

He will not abandon me along the way.

And He is where my confidence must come from.

Trusting Him is the only confidence I have.