I used to think how, as I grew and matured, I so wanted to be grace-filled. I would want such an aroma of love and kindness to be dripping off me. I would want to be compassionate, offering those around me hope and wisdom.
And here I am, not yet 40, and I am feeling more and more inclined to wonder how one becomes all those wonderful things I wanted to be. As I grow older....
It gets harder to be hopeful when one lives and sees things never seem to change. No matter how much one hopes and prays otherwise. Harder to be compassionate when one sees others make the same mistakes, over and over again. Hard to stay sweet and kind when one sees so much - much wrong, much pain, much sadness, much grief... When one sees things she never thought she would, both in people and to people.
Oh it was easy when I was young, I see now as I look back on things. Everything was new - was just waiting to unfold before me. Wide eyes took it all in, with hope in all. Days not yet filled in, all looked promising, with the dreams one dreams.
And then years slip by, days begin to be filled, and the hope of all things bright and wonderful begin to slip by as well. Too much is seen and heard, things that cannot be erased. Pain is real and hearts begin to protect themselves from further injury, one layer over another, until it is doubtful of what it once trusted.
So how does one grow into the woman of beauty and grace I once dreamed I would be???
This will not be a post where I sum all things up in a neat little bow. Not even a verse to counter my thoughts. But since there remains in me a glimmer of that youthful hope, and still lots of curiosity, I shall endeavor to find the answers.
How to live with hope and a tender heart when it seems a heart would otherwise grow colder? How to live in peace, even when life does not feel peaceful? How to be kind when wronged? How to give hope to others, even when losing hope in many ways, herself?
These are the things I shall be wrestling out with God in the coming days. One of the many things I love about Him is that of all the questions I have brought before Him, and there have been many, in one way or another, He has always settled them in my heart.
And when He does, I will be happy to share. :)
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