It can wash down on me at more obvious times. Such as yesterday. We drove over an hour to a nephew's birthday party, where my brother now lives. He now lives near the town my husband grew up in. Miles from the house he lived in from birth. A house where I grew to know his family. That house belongs to strangers now, as his parents passed on several years ago. That front porch I used to sit at with his mother, is now somebody else's. Another family picks from the bay leaf and pecan trees; looks out the sliding glass doors to the backyard. And the sadness begins to drift down. We pass the land where his father once owned a restaurant. And though it was all before I knew him, I have heard enough and saw all the pictures, and can just see it there... where it used to be.
And my thoughts take me back. And the feeling envelopes me.
On the drive, we have to pass through my hometown, on the way to my hubby's old hometown. It is a journey - one of memories and miles. Pass the street I grew up on, my highschool, the hospital I was born in. The donut shop my aunt used to visit nearly every evening - and though she's gone now, it seems that if I stopped in, she would be there in a stool - with her coffee. The hotel me and my hubby stayed at when he came out of bootcamp, so young and awed then. Where a mall stood until Hurricane Katrina, one where I used to visit Santa's reindeer every year - with my Grandma - both gone for years now. The hospital my mother in law died in.
These are times I can expect that feeling. But there are less obvious times too. Like walking down a street where not a soul is stirring. Birds soaring over my head. The way the sun sets and slants on everything it touches. While simply driving in my car - looking around at the busy-ness around me. Feeling like nothing in the center of it all. The bright blue cloudless sky.
At these times, when the tears brim - I simply do not know why it comes, but it does. I realize that I am separate from every other human being. And it always occurs to me that this life ultimately boils down to me and God; my relationship with Him. I think back to the 28 yrs I did not know Him, and I feel tears of gratefullness - that He picked me like a flower. That He gave me a hope and a future I never had before. A reason and purpose. Maybe that feeling is the memory of what I felt a part from Him.
"Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro: He bustles about, but only in vain; he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it. But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."
Psalm 39:6-7
At times, life is so hard. I cannot imagine not having Him to go to with my tears, prayers, questions, and pain. Knowing God is there - He sees and hears and knows all. He is really there.
"When I am afraid, I will trust in You."
Psalm 56:3
He is my comforter.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When troubles surround, and fears press in, what do I look for? I fervently look to Him. I praise God that He is there.
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