I had just finished watching a movie that made me choke down the sobs till my throat ached sore.
And maybe it's because I went off after my teenager shushed me, and was too busy, and my middle one was chatting with her cousin on the computer, and my littlest one only wants Daddy.... Maybe that's what did it...yesterday at least.
And so I set off in the evening sun. Falling long and into my eyes. Casting shadows across the street and blinding me with that orange beam. I flip through my MP3 player as I go, but for some reason, no song helps my mood. They only feed it.
I wonder where the days went of neighbors sitting out on porches, waving as you go. I feel the oddness that this place still does not feel like home. And I think to my childhood home and realize that too does not really feel like home either anymore. And I wonder if any place on earth ever will.
I think of my children who are growing up so fast, and feel I can hardly catch my breath. I feel my legs hardening as I run all I can...for the moment. And I walk till I can run again. All the while, the moon in high above, in front of me. I can feel God with me, even as I feel alone. And I wonder, is that enough? Do I need to feel needed by others? Or is it enough to be loved by Him?
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Psalm 91:1-2
I think of the brevity of life and look around me. As I walk, I smell the scent of the gardenias in bloom. They smell so pretty. As I run, there is a bush right near the road, and I stop to pick one. I hold it to my face as I run into the long, low beams of light.
"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."
Psalm 90:12
I ache inside and am not sure why. Yes, that movie set the tone for sadness. The fact that my kids are each separate from me, that they no longer need me constantly. I pray for each of them as I trudge along. With the moon in view, like a beacon, I think of how there is nothing else in all the world I want for my family other than to know Him. I hurt for all those who don't. I realize that without God, I don't know how I could bear life.
"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always."
Psalm 105:4
So this is what I do. I put one foot in front of the other, seeking Him. With my heavy feelings, my burdens, my prayers, my worries and concerns - I press on knowing He is there and He sees all, and He hears me. And a weight is lifted. And I feel so grateful that He is there. And this too hurts my chest - feeling the gratitude that I know He is with me - no matter what.
"Your Word, O Lord, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens. If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction. I will never forget Your precepts, for by them You have preserved my life. Save me, for I am Yours"
Psalm 119:89,92-94
I come back, sweaty. Little one still outside, playing with Daddy. Within minutes, they come inside. Joshua needs me. Tripped over the hose and scraped both knees. I carry him to the bathroom counter, and kiss his head, and doctor his bo-bo's.
And I am happy once again to be needed.
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