Can't sleep

I've been up most of this night, tossing and turning, trying to find a few moments where I feel at peace and almost forget about what is looming. I know I will be so tired today - me and the kids will be evacuating - a 6 hour drive north. Clay has somethings at work to do, and has to take our dog to a friends house, so he will be heading out later. I don't like the idea of traveling with the kids by myself - but that is really the least of my problems.

I feel just like I did the night/morning before we left for Katrina. All I can think of is not having a place to live. The thing I picture most - that breaks my heart, is my kids. I see Joshua's little face, as I have been frantically packing and picking up everything I can. He has no idea. My fear is that our home will flood again. What do you say to a 3 yr. old? That he has no home anymore - that it is "broken" by a storm? I just look at him and want to cry.

Jalyn was 6 when Katrina hit. She began crying as soon as we turned into our neighborhood and saw the devestation. She kept asking me yesterday, as we packed up everything she loves and doesn't want to lose, "Mom, are we going to lose all our stuff again?" "Mom, is it going to be as bad as Katrina?" And on and on with the questions. I tell her I have no answers. I pray not. I don't know. I had to force myself not to cry as she gathered all her stuffed animals and her favorite clothes. She wants to know if her fish will be okay, and if she piles her things on top of her desk and dresser, will it be high enough. It wasn't last time. I don't know. I tell her I think so.

When Katrina was over, friends and family were all scattered, dealing with evacuation or their own mess, there was no one to leave the kids with as we dealt with this. I fear that again, that Joshua would have to "see".

Before I went through this, I'm sure I would not of understood if someone told me this, but losing my house was like a death. A death of home, of all my clothes and furniture, and childhood treasures, and letters from those no longer with us, and pictures and all that we knew to be ours. It was like looking at death. Mold, maggots, flying bugs all over in the kitchen, everything soaking wet and filthy. When my house was gutted, and all we owned on the front lawn, it was like the funeral. It was heartbreaking, but after that, it felt as if we could move on. But then, you could no longer "see" your stuff anymore, even if it was "dead".

Please understand, I'm not saying losing your house is like losing a loved one. But it is a death of sorts.

I have been praying this storm will move more west. Then I think how many other people are praying for it to move another way - thousands of prayers going up to God to move it somewhere else. I feel so weary and tired, I don't know what to pray except to beg God to not let us go through this again.

Then I am reminded of all the ways He took care of us before. Lots of ways that could only have been Him. It was amazing to see Him work in our situation.

I knew He was with us, taking care of us. But I tell you, it was so so hard. Just the thought of dealing with all the insurance business again, gives me a headache.

God gives you the grace to deal with what you can moment by moment, day by day. If the worst happens, I know He will help me to deal with it. He will still be there for us. I have to keep reminding myself of that, because the fear and the panic is very hard to push away.