I will be walking around, driving, whatever - and suddenly, the saddest thoughts or feelings will come over me. My heart will just hurt.
Depression does run in my family. And before I became a Christian, I did suffer with that often. Though never since. Yes, I will have bad moods (many) or be in a "funk" or something, but never a "depression".
However, take this morning for example. I was taking a walk - for much needed exercise. Of course when you are walking, alone, many thoughts fill your head. And that heart pang will eventually come over me. That ache. That dreaded feeling.
It could be anything to trigger it. It could be a sad song on my MP3 player, the sight of a house that is still empty and destroyed since Katrina, it could be walking past a house where a friend once lived - remembering good times that are now in the past, it could be thinking too much of the future - will Clay get transferred this year?, what will it be like when all the kids are in school? - how will we do it when I am in nursing school, and our schedules are crazy?
It can come thinking about loved ones that are no longer here, about the way things used to be as a child - things that will never be again.
It sometimes comes from thinking about change in general. Life changing. What the future may hold.
Any number of thoughts can make it happen - that sudden painful feeling.
Then I think back to how I used to be - before I knew about or loved God. Before I had any hope. I would dwell in self-pity and in misery - with no hope of it ever getting better. Without any hope of direction. Without any real purpose.
I am so thankful that God stirred my heart to the point of "no return". I was going to find out the truth - I wanted to know Him more than anything else. He led me out of that darkness - into the light of His truth.
And now, when I feel the weight of those momentary pangs stabbing at my heart, I remember something - I have hope. The greatest hope there is. Hope and promises I never thought I could have.
Now I can say,
"Yet I am always with you;
You hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward You will take
me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I
desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may
fail,
but God is the strength of
my heart
and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:23-26
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